


Don't Use Salt Water

by swagnushammersmith



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, based on a headcanon, repost from ff.net
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 09:09:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11779950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swagnushammersmith/pseuds/swagnushammersmith
Summary: Stampingston remembers why Salacia should not be allowed to drink. Rated for language.





	Don't Use Salt Water

**Author's Note:**

> Keep in mind that this fic is like a million years old and is in no way a reflection of my current writing abilities. I'm just reposting it here from FF.net because I'm deleting that account bc I no longer use it so.

It was the end of another Tribunal meeting. The Falconback Project was coming along nicely. Dethklok's soon-to-come record would help their plans come to fruition.

General Crozier stood up from his usual seat and rubbed his temples. All of this watching and waiting for Dethklok to make even a small move was irritating; when would Salacia tell the Tribunal to make their move finally? All he ever said whenever the general thinks that they should do something was either, "No," or "Wait." The general was starting to think that those were the only emotions that Salacia could feel.

"I need a drink," he whispered to himself.

The short man walked over to Stampingston, thinking that maybe he would like to join him. He wasn't even sure why he wanted the company from Stampingston of all people. What does Stampingston even do other than say, "Gentlemen, Dethklok is doing a thing prepare to shit your pants." That thought didn't even come to him until after the invitation escaped his lips.

"Hey Senator, wanna hang out and have some drinks?"

Stampingston looked at him apprehensively. He really didn't feel like drinking at the moment. But considering the general's eagerness to go and simply hang out (it felt weird thinking of that term in relation to themselves... a general and a senator just hanging out.) he really couldn't say no. It felt really uncomfortable accepting the offer, however.

"Y-yeah, sure, General, I'll be glad to join you."

Both of the men stood there for a moment, unsure of what to say or do without it feeling awkward. Crozier took the initiative to break that very uncomfortable silence.

"Do... do you think that Mr. Salacia would like to join us?" he suggested. "He doesn't seem like he does much. Besides, the more the merrier."

The senator made a pained hissing sound at the suggestion. "Yeaahhhhh no that really isn't a good idea, General."

"Well why not?"

"Well..." The senator started to reflect back.

~~~SOME TIME AGO~~~

After a long meeting with a Tribunal, Stampingston had thought it would be a treat to bring some wine to help everyone loosen up. Watching Dethklok's every move in making sure that they didn't totally destroy the planet was exhausting.

He poured out glasses for Vater Orlaag and Mr. Salacia. General Crozier went down to his office really quickly before leaving for the day. The senator announced that he'd go fetch Crozier to join in the small talk and wine drinking.

Before he could leave the room, however, he was interrupted with a screeching, "No!" from Salacia followed by an eerie and drawn out, "He's not allowed." The Half-Man narrowed his gaze at Stampingston before taking a sip of his wine.

The senator looked uncomfortably at Vater, who was purposefully sipping out of his glass as to avoid making eye contact, then up at Salacia. There really wasn't anything he could say or do, so he just poured himself a glass and sat down.

"I must admit, Senator Stampingston," Salacia spoke out, "that this fermented grape liquid tastes rather divine. I normally have no need for human provisions, but..." he paused to finish his glass, "I would love to have some more." The senator poured another glass for Salacia, eager to see that the man could enjoy himself.

It went downhill from there.

After the second glass, Salacia was demanding more and more of the wine. He eventually grabbed the whole bottle for himself (at which Vater tried to get his master to slow down at least) and drank the rest. He demanded to know if there was more available, to which Stampingston meekly answered, "No, I'm afraid." The Half-Man released an ungodly screech. His eyes turned white and glowed and he threatened to explode the senator's eyes out like he did to Cardinal Ravenwood if he didn't get him more wine now.

Vater tried calming Salacia down to no avail. He started breaking walls and continued shrieking and oh god the other two were just not sure what the hell to do. Vater kept cursing himself in a repeated use of the phrase "I should not have let him do this" but it was too late for "shoulda coulda woulda" at this point.

Suddenly The Half-Man just stopped. He fell on the floor, passed out, and vomited out what looked like black tar. The two other men were unsure if this situation was better or worse. They looked at each other with so much fear dwelling in their eyes. Would he be okay by the next meeting? Would they be able to run with out him? This left Stampingston in a dizzy state of worry. "Should... we pour cold water on him to bring him back up?" he finally asked.

"It's worth a shot, but we just have to make sure it's not salt water," Vater replied.

The sentator looked confused for a moment. "Why... what's... wrong with salt water?" he asked slowly.

Vater realized what he just said. "Shit," he cursed. He looked right at the senator and said, "Do not divulge what happened here tonight, especially what I just said, otherwise I will not hesitate to kill you. Understand that, Stampingston?"

Without a word, the senator hastily nodded his head yes.

The two managed to bring Salacia back to his normal state with cold water and had the room cleaned up immediately. Salacia had no real recollection of what had happened, which was perfectly fine with them.

They continued their Tribunal duties pretending that that night never happened.

~~~NOW BACK TO THIS~~~

"It's..." Stampingston sighed. "It's just probably better if he didn't come with us. He might just be a huge buzzkill the entire time." He was thankful he could make up that lie as quickly as he did.

General Crozier looked thoughtful for a moment before nodding in agreement with him. "You're right."


End file.
